Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Read this first then introduce yourself here.
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Maltelec
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Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by Maltelec » Tue Nov 17, 2009 8:16 pm

1. I have had to set this forum up from scratch, and it is quite possible I have missed something out. If you see something which is either obviously not right or you think is not right, either reply to this thread, send me a PM or email me at "my user name"@aol.com

2. Youtube - please see the new instructions for posting Youtube videos. These instructions can be found here: New Youtube Instructions

3. The forum colours/colors and styles are always up for debate. If you think something would be much better a different colour, please reply to this thread. You may use the colour chart to the right hand side when replying to make the text the colour you think it should be.

4. "www.thesteamboatingforum.net" will be moved across in about a weeks time, so we can finish off the current topics on the old forum and start all the new ones on here.

Please feel free to re-post topics from the old forum over here.

The old forum will be available for read-only after a week or so, and will remain that way until Forumer.com claim it back to the either from which it came.
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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by Ralph B » Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:08 am

I noticed when I signed up the language was listed as "British English". Does that mean we have to spell color with a U and aluminum with an added i?
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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by Maltelec » Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:43 am

:lol: I am sure I can add an option for Yankie or French/Canadian.

T'is just a case of copying the British language file and removing a few characters from certain words :mrgreen:
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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by Akitene » Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:48 pm

Good evening to you all,

This British English "issue" reminds me of this delightful letter written by the highly british John Cleese himself:

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]
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Maltelec
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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by Maltelec » Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:36 pm

John Cleese is an incredibly funny man.

Beknownst for his role in Fawlty Towers and Monty Python, but unbeknownst to most, he started his career in making TV programmes for teaching accountancy.
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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by mcandrew1894 » Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:43 am

....gee I just feel all warm and fuzzy now.....must of been the beer :|
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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by PeteThePen1 » Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:18 pm

Simon

You just cannot be old enough to remember the Balance Sheet Barrier! We used to use it with first year HND Business students. I thought it was brilliant - they just dozed coz we had to lower the lights (apart from the romeos who were snogging in the back row). Hey ho! Things have changed a bit since then...

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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by artemis » Sat Nov 21, 2009 8:02 pm

The following is a quote from an article I read/copied awhile back. Seems like a new, more modern English is in the works for all the Euro Union folks (we Americans don't subscribe to that stuff):

"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

"As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

"In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

"In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

"Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

"Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

"By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

"During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kanbe dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

"Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

"Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas."

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P.S. I rather preferred the yellow used as a background for the previous site. I know it is a bit bright for UK taste, but not all the world lives under grey skies or eats brussel sprouts. :lol:
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Maltelec
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Re: Welcome to the new forum - changes you need to know

Post by Maltelec » Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:47 pm

I've seen that one before, very amusing. Also seems somewhat true.
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